Everything is back on track, and Jessica is happyyy!!! (: I love this feeling.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. !!!!!!

So, I finally found out what happened that night. Obviously I would have found out sooner or later. I know I wanted to know, but I wish I wouldn't have asked because I keep getting a mental vision in my head and it is really gross. God you are a stupid cunt. I just don't understand how you LIKE to embarrass or manipulate people with your lies. You are so fake and it kills me when no one else sees it. OPEN UP YOUR EYES PEOPLE. goddamn.

Wow--I have been doing pretty well. Mostly just work and play. I start school pretty soon, I take the placement test at Wake-Tech on Thursday! I am pretty excited about getting back into school, and it not being bullshit Sanderson. I have been really focused on myself lately, not worrying about others like I used to. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am turning into a cold-hearted bitch, I just need time to think of myself, and just myself. Also! Ahh, I am so excited that it is fall, it seems as if I have the BEST memories during the fall and winter time. Mostly because they are the seasons where everyone comes together, snuggle together, are there for each other. I can't wait for thanksgiving but most of all Christmas. I have been spending more and more time with my family and now that I have I can't believe I spent so much time a part from them. I was so stuck on Cody, I never wanted to leave, but now I have found my happy medium. I also found out that I can't get my license back until I turn 18, but I guess it isn't so bad..I have already been five months without it, another five months won't kill me. It would just be A LOT easier if I could drive myself to work or school without having to depend on others. If you know me you know I am not one to depend on someone else, I HATE having to owe someone or pay them five fucking dollars every time they give me a ride even if it is right down the street. I just feel so free and alive, it's about time I do my own thing. "SHE'S GOT HER OWN THING, THATS WHY I LIKE HER" alright that was unnecessary. (: I haven't been drinking as much this past week either which leads me to believe I don't need to drink so much, ever. I have just been so mixed up in a reality that will never help me, in a dream world that seemed so amazing. It took a while to get out of that dream, but I am doing fine, don't worry about me!



OH! and something that has really been bothering me is, even though it's really silly, everyone in the fucking world is obsessed with twilight. I love love love the book(s) and I also love True blood and I also love Blood&Chocolate which supposedly is from the producer of Twilight? It's just half the people that are so obsessed haven't read the books and don't even know what they are talking about. klfaljl. "omg, omg, twilight is coming out, i can't wait! eeeee." I guess I am just tired of silly girls that don't know what the hell they are talking about.

Things are so much easier now that he is in a different state. Even if I am tempted to go over to his house, I can't, he's not home. I've been working on myself during these couple of days, and it feels good. I know that I could be without him. I am just scared these five or so days are not going to be long enough for me to get over him completely. God damnit, I have been doing so well, on MY OWN. I just have a strong feeling I am going to go back to the same old thing once he gets back. I wish I could be stronger, I wish he could be stronger. I know that I could be with out him, but I keep running back because he is my comfort zone. He only wants me when I am gone, he shouldn't take me for granted. Hopefully one day, SOON, i will realize all of this, instead of just being able to write it down. I`m rambling and upset now, so goodbye!

Everything is so odd right now, I don't even know how to explain it. Just everything thats been going on is out of the ordinary. It's making my head spin in a million different directions.

i wish i could explain how pathetic i think you truly are.

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I have lost everything that I have ever loved and cherished. I have taken everything and everyone for granted just to reach my own satisfaction. I have been living in denial and I feel so stupid, and like such a shitty person. I have turned my back on every one of my friends and treated them in ways i would NEVER want to be treated. I am so sorry and I wish one of you would punch me in the face, thats what I deserve. I have basically neglected my family, only coming home to get clothes or money. WHAT AN IDIOT$*#&(@. I have thrown away everything I have had going for me. My job, done. School, done(but i am going to wake tech.!) I feel so pathetic depending on other people, but I can't stand on my own. I need to learn to be more dependent on myself, and not everybody else. I used to be so strong, and now I just feel like I am falling a part. My relationship with Cody has been an emotional roller coaster but made me realize a lot about who I am and this is not me. I am not the bitch I have been lately, I am not the person to give up on what I believe, I am not a drunken crazy retard. I am going to fix myself, I need this, I want this. I have faith in myself!

life is wonderful!!!

just fuckin' live.

It was around the same time last year that my life just came to a stand still. I have such a ridiculous problem with getting bored to easily when I should really just stick through it. I need to learn to turn things around and make them exciting and adventurous so that I don't get so bored. I mean really Jess, this world is so big and wonderful, why get so bored? Ugh, I don't even know what to think anymore. I wish I could just travel the world and have not a worry at all, like on ecstacy. You feel so light like you are just traveling through the air, bringing positive energy to everyone around you, positive energy, smiles, laughter, ahh it feels so good. I was so ready for this summer only to hear that I get kicked out of Sanderson for my absences, I should have known. I will make the best out of this situation though, it is truly beautiful that I have gotten this many chances in which I do not deserve. My body has grown so weak because of the weekend drinks that grew into an every day addiction, one that I am helping myself with, because I am not done with this world. " I will not run from this world. " Mark my words, they will be with me until my dying day, I will never give up on myself mentally, the only way you are taking me down kind sir/madam is to take me down physically. I have failed at a lot of things  within my seventeen years of living on this earth, but I will not call myself a failure. I have sometimes quit in my seventeen years, but I will not call myself a quitter. Emotions run through everyone, I am tired of seeing people fail or quit, not because it wasn't their fault, but because they give up on themselves, they run from their emotions because that is all they know how to do, run away. I was one of those people but I refuserefuserefuse to keep on running. I am now understanding more than ever that emotions are beautiful, they keep the world going, if no one had emotions, everyone would be like robots and zombies. You should not be scared of your emotions, you should listen to what they are telling you, they are a part of you. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We were created to be put to the test, go through different obstacles, face difficult circumstances. It is cliche to say but, everything that does happen does make you stronger. I am so happy with the person that I have become. Sure, I still drink and get a little crazy at times, I mess up every once in a while, I say things I don't mean to say, I do things I don't mean to do, but I am more aware of my surroundings, and more aware of the real and the fake. Which also reminds me, I am so fucking done with all of you fake people. It kills me to see pathological liars, manipulators, backstabbers, just straight out fake people get rewarded for what others think is real. I am not just going to open up my heart to anyone anymore, I am going to really have to take the time to get to know you. I am tired of getting stabbed in the back by people who I think are really there for me, if it came down to it, I would be there for every single one of my friends fighting until my death. Maybe I don't do such a good job of showing that because I always have a wall up, I am hard-headed, stubborn, and I definitely have a horrible attitude, I just will not get walked all over, and if I feel threatened by you, then I will not hesitate to let you know. I just wish people would not mistake my tough love as me being a bitch and not caring because that is not the case at all. BlahBLAHblah. this made me feel a whole lot better. i want to go draw something. or read? i don't know, i have all the time in the world now. 10-4.

For once in my life I actually feel like I am doing things right. I am so happy with everything right now. School is going pretty good, but hey, it's school. I feel like I am no longer hiding behind anything, I am comfortable with myself and what I am beginning to accomplish and become. My friends are absolutely amazing, I couldn't ask for better. My mom and I are starting to get a long better. &i saw my uncle this weekend! he looks so good and i really admire him and what he has done positively over the past two months, I am so proud. I am also falling harder and harder for this boy every day. I never thought I could be in a relationship like this, but once again I proved myself wrong. "Hold On"- A Million Little Pieces. Mmm What I always go by. Thanks to everyone who didn't believe in me, it only made me stronger. But thanks even more to the ones who stuck by my side, you guys are truly outstanding.